You know, there aren’t enough down home love songs about long haul trucking. Especially ones w/ vocal harmonies that take a Freebird turn around 1:45.
“18 wheeeeeeeeels…. highway! highway! highway! ROLLING ON!”
I don’t get it - is there really a vampire in his town?
The hand drums were distracting me. uggggggh. hand drums. How college.
You know, I wasn’t going to post this, because it’s BAD, but it’s not vomit inducing terrible, but instead, I’m sort of going to use it as a lesson, because there have been a lot of comments about what sorts of things we put up here, etc.
For example, “This isn’t that bad. I sort of like it.” You know, fair enough. Taste isn’t absolute. There’s stuff I don’t hate that is universally reviled, and stuff I hate hate hate that wins Grammys. To each their own. (And to the people who ask what kind of label we are, and what DO we put out? Wouldn’t you like to know….)
This song is just a classic example of a song people are going to like, but that’s just not very good for a variety of reasons:
1. It’s kind of a hair metal ballad. Like, the video should be shot in black and white where the 2 main singers are on stools in a very stark room. (and even I like some hair ballads.)
2. It’s just not very relevant or well made. There also seems to be an assumption in some comments that a “demo” is made on a four track and is unmastered. Not true. The vast majority of what we get are fully made CDs, not even burns. They’re made in studios, in Garage Band, whatever. (Also - in case you were wondering, labels like this, because it saves them money if you do get signed from a demo. Then they don’t have to pay to record a whole new thang.)
3. It’s not unique. Ok, ok. Not everything is unique, and there’s even an argument that nothing’s a new idea anymore. Understandable. But if you’re doing something that someone else has done, what are you doing to improve it, do your own twist, or spice it up a little?
4. This dude’s voice is annoying. Just saying.
In case you’re wondering, yes, we’ve signed bands just from demos, and there are a LOT of demos we get that never make it up on here. We give every demo a fair shot and hope that each CD will blow us away w/ its awesomeness and we can sign them and sell 100,000,000 records. We’ve gotten demos from big huge artists in their infancy that we’ve turned down, and now they’re selling tons of records, and we’re kicking ourselves. But, that’s the way the cookie crumbles. Lightning in a bottle - you have like 5 minutes to impress someone. Make it good.
Now back to your regularly scheduled snark and assholery.
We’re equal opportunity here. Lately, we’ve had songs about ladies protectin’ themselves from UTIs, and about how to teach yer kids about mommy and daddy’s private times, so how about a classic track for the gents?
I present, for your consideration, this mouth harpin’, banjoed-out gem about the joys of self-discovery, and “keepin’ your hands off your pee pee.” This song also features a lot of questionable adult/young adult/children relationships - it’s like a Penthouse forum letter that can get you arrested - or at least probably should. Oh, and hey - the narrator regularly gets tested to make “sure he don’t have AIDS,” and he knows he should use condoms, but he “ran out yesterday.” A model citizen, this one.
But seriously folks, when was the last time you heard the phrase “muff dive” - esp. in a song?
Honky tonk guitars? Check.
Absolute statements about men and women? Check.
Rhyming “Flirt” with “Hurt”? Check.
Repeating, “Men Chase - Women Choose” over and over and over and over and over again? Check.
Ladies and Gents, we have a gin-u-wine country chart topper!
This guy: Single handedly ruining two really good songs since this demo was made…
Aren’t men with ponytails hilarious? You know what else is hilarious? “Angry lesbians.” And bad tattoos.
I have to stop. It’s TOO hilarious.
Mandals!
Nothing says “Margaritaville” like steel drums.
It might not be spring break right now, but at least it’s summer, right? Crack a Coors Light and hop on your pontoon boat. It’s Panama City time - aka “The Redneck Riviera”
Sometimes, it’s hard to really keep going, esp on a summer Monday when you’re tired, it’s hot, and you’re not getting any younger.
Maybe you need that 80s style uplifting ballad - keep going! You can date the rich guy, Andie! You can succeed, John Bender! Being an adolescent wolf isn’t that bad, Michael J. Fox.
BE YOUR OWN HERO!!!
(oh, and a note: this week and last week’s posting’s are/were a little sketchy - maybe 6 posts instead of 10 (poor you.) - even blog writers have to take a summer vacay. you know how we do.)
Sure, there were plenty of 9/11 tribute songs - odes to firefighters and police personnel, and most of them were pretty fucking terrible.
Riddle me this - does it make it worse when someone writes about it 8 years later? And still does a terrible job?
Love it or leave it, people. Love it or leave it.
Bonus for the day, an email from a band that wanted to “get us interested.”
Sure, English isn’t their first language, and that’s OK. We hope we don’t get caught w/ our pants down when Brooklyn “Sprak Sprak” is the hot sound in 2 years.
“Hello! My name is [REDACTED], a musician who use to perform with a typical experimental-, electroacoustic music. All made out in the fiction language so called “Sprak språk”..A mixture of forgotten dialect´s, japanese palindrom. Word´s with sour-, sweat- and sometimes even salty in the taste betwean… Surrounded of candysound´s, to the beat of drumming the piano… Last week I finished the first process with all recording work in my studio for the really first album. And are now surshing for the right label, where the individual sound threw music is prefered. So when you have made a picture out of what´s it all about and if it feel´s like you are having the same cind of audience, the easiest way to get me is by mail. Or just make a call, and we can talk more about it afterward´s.”
When it’s time to fight crime (or roll some credits after you fought some crime) in that hot 1984 Miami night, you definitely kick it off with this track. (and yes, it’s by the same guy as yesterday…)
Basically, I imagine this song to be sung by this guy - a creepy animatronic butler.
Today’s choice jam:
Santana-like guitar solos + space Casio beat + horrible “I wish I could be Tom Waits but I’m soooooooooooo not” vocals = Monday trip to awesometown.
For the record, you wouldn’t believe how many demos feature very similar vocals. Every bad dude with an acoustic guitar and a shitty voice amps up the the shitty in an attempt to be Waits or Dylan. To those dudes: Face it. A) you’re not them, and B) those dudes caught lightning in a bottle, and it’s happened twice in 40 years, so take some singing lessons, get a lead singer that’s not you, or learn how to rap.
BTW - to address the “you should let people download tracks” comments - We try really hard on this blog to keep the songs and their unfortunate makers anonymous (though we know people figure it out sometime. That’s the internet for you.) Thus, allowing downloads of the mp3s seems counterintuitive - it would be hard to hide the metadata, and you could just shazam the track or something to find out the artist. I know it’s not rocket science, but don’t hate us for our laziness and weird reasoning, ok? There are plenty of other things to be pissed at us for…
Ladies - it’s never too late to learn how to keep your business clean and UTI free.
Let this song be your guide. Remember, “Front to Back” - according to this song, “There are dangerous amoeba that can hurt yer cooter so!”
“Hey girl, mind the flaps!”
I’m going to go throw up now - but a much more educated vomit, of course.
This is another example of a song that seems alright until you really get into it.Sure, it’s innocuous enough - a Mellencampy lite rock number about the singer’s lady. Then you get to the chorus - “She Don’t Like Clowns.”
Really? There wasn’t anything else you could sing about, unnamed demo-sender? Really?
Granted, it’s certainly hard to top yesterday’s blowout horrifying gem, but we persevere with this track - a lovely countryfied ditty about a homicide.
Sure, it’s taboo, but why not, right? I mean, this lady cheated - she clearly deserves to be murdered - with background singers. Uggggh. Again, who thought this was a good idea?
The lyrical gem, “bury you in a box half your size” absolutely slays our faith in humanity - as if we had any left after listening to these demos day after day. Vomit, coming up.
This song is called “Making Love,” and it’s basically a guide about how to tell your kids, who are too young to understand, why they hear mommy and daddy’s bed creaking at night, or why they hear them making funny sounds.
I’m not a prude, but… EW. ew, ew, ew.
This guy “made love to a drag queen” and he “doesn’t even know her name” - what a shame.
Watch out, top 40 radio!
